Saturday, September 18, 2010

Bryce Addison Vandiver

Bryce was born last night at 9.49 pm. We had to say goodbye before we ever said hello.

I had a small amount of bleeding on Thursday night, so we called the doctor and he moved out anatomy scan up a week. During the scan I noticed that our little guy wasn't moving, but I thought he was just sleeping. I asked the tech where the heart was because I could normally see the heartbeat, and she told me that there wasn't one.

B and I were in shock, but we still had hope. Then Dr. Carlson's nurse came in, and told us that our baby was gone. After reviewing the scans, he told me the baby stopped growing after about 16 weeks. At first I thought that meant that he had died three weeks ago, but then I remembered him moving and hearing his heartbeat about a week to a week and a half ago. I thought that my uterus had gone through another growth spurt, and that it was just a little hard to feel him for a bit.

The doctor gave me three options. I could wait until I went into labor naturally, be induced, or have a late-term abortion. My OB doesn't perform late-term abortions, and I couldn't bare the thought of that happening to my baby. I also didn't want to wait until I went into labor, since we would have no idea when it would happen, and there was the chance of infection. I decided to be induced, and we were taken to Labor and Delivery.

I was induced at about 9.45 am, and went into labor. I tried to handle the pain with Morphine, but I ended up getting an epidural. Bryce was born twelve hours later, and it took another hour for me to deliver his placenta. I was allowed to hold him, and I spoke to him, apologized to him for failing him, and I told him how much everyone loves him. He was so tiny, but I could tell that he had B's mouth and chin, and also his hands. The nurse cleaned him up and took pictures for us. She used B's wedding ring, and a tiny stuffed Eeyore that I brought to the appointment on a whim. We will get the pictures at one of our next appointments with Dr. Carlson. We were given a memory box with his foot and hand prints, as well as the blanket that he was swaddled in after he was born.

We will bury him sometime this week. My mom is here (thank G-d), and will help us make the best decisions for the burial. We are absolutely devastated that this is the end of Bryce's story with us here on Earth. He will always be loved, and will never be forgotten.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

We bought our nursery furniture!

Today we braved our local Pottery Barn and purchased a crib, a changing table/dresser, and a recliner/glider. I was, of course, beyond excited and made an ass out of myself in the store. B was very upset about the money that we spent, and made an ass out of himself by hiding in the back of the store.

Two of the pieces will be here in early November, but we were able to take the crib home! It is sitting in the car until B can bring it upstairs. Now I have a wonderful excuse to annoy him about cleaning out the office!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

We have movement!

Last night I was trying to hear Reptar's heartbeat with our at home doppler, and instead heard him dancing up a storm. He kept hitting and kicking where we were trying to listen, and it even sounded as if he was doing somersaults. I think the speaker on the little machine almost shorted out. I finally turned the machine off and and got into my nest (the concoction of pillows, blankets and sheets that allow me to sleep at night...B hates it). I realized that I was feeling this really odd feeling right where Reptar had been dancing, so I concentrated for a minute, and then I realized what it was!

I immediately started crying. I knew that my lower abdominal area had been feeling oddly full lately, and that I have been having these odd cramp-like bouts, but I didn't think it was possible to feel the baby yet! He was hanging out right under my belly button, and I could feel the kicks and hits. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It went on for a while, and I actually fell asleep before he finished!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

We are officially in the second trimester!

It has been a while since I updated this, but as many of you know we have had a really rough month and a half. My bleeding has continued, and has gone from a tiny bit, to none, to gushes of blood, back down again, and now we are back to constant spotting. We are trying to stay positive and get excited for Reptar to show up in February, and our new doctor has been wonderful at keeping our spirits up.

To make a long story short, I have a subchorionic hematoma that is taking its sweet time to resolve itself. Two weeks ago my hematoma was only at 1.5 centimeters, and the doctor didn't see a problem (it growing) during my last appointment. He also said the last time he had a patient loose a pregnancy with a hematoma, it was 7.5 centimeters. Here is a link that explains what it is better than I can.

Due to the hematoma, we have had a large number of ultrasounds, and have been given a number of pictures.

This was from our third ultrasound, but it is the first one that we were allowed to watch. It was taken after I started to bleed pretty heavily. I was put on modified bed rest, and am still on it. This was taken on 7.8.10, and Reptar is 8 weeks and 6 days old. B jokes that he looks like one of the aliens from Independence Day.

This was our fourth ultrasound, and Reptar is 9 weeks 4 days. You can see his little arm and leg buds, as well as his baby spine! This was taken at our new OB's office. We switched after our old OB told us that she didn't think the pregnancy was viable, didn't warn us that I could spot from a hematoma (or even tell us what it was), and when it took six hours on a Wednesday afternoon to call us back after we called the emergency line. Our new doctor is absolutely fantastic!

The night before B's birthday we had a terrifying episode of very heavy bleeding. We went in the next day, and Reptar had continued to grow. He looks more and more like a baby each time, and was dancing too much for us to get a really clear picture!

A week later (we don't like Sundays that much anymore) we had a couple of gushes of blood that sent us back to the doctor. Reptar refused to get out of his ball to be measured properly, but we heard his heartbeat and saw him throw a small fit.

Our last appointment went well; Reptar had a great heartbeat and seems to be growing. My next appointment (hopefully we wont need to go in earlier) is at the end of August! We've been cleared from seeing the doctor once a week! I'm sure our insurance company is happy; I know B is!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Raspberries are my favorite fruit!

We are eight weeks along, and I think we are getting the hang of being pregnant. B went grocery shopping for me today while I laid on the couch and played Warcraft.

My birthday was fantastic; we had a party thanks to NS. Duke and B each got a lot of what they wanted...B got a 1/2 gallon of hand-crafted beer and Duke got a ton of attention. I got ginger ale and cake. Yum.

Speaking of cake, Reptar may end up being a fatty if I keep eating like this. My nausea has limited me to eating junk and more junk, topped off with ginger ale. I can't even drink a large glass of Crystal Light without getting ill.

I bought my first real maternity outfit today. One of B's fraternity brothers is getting married August 7, and I needed to buy a new dress because...

I'm showing! I no longer can fit in any of my pants. I am going to try to wait until it gets colder to buy anything else, since I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes that I'll only wear for a few months.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

As Big As a Maine Blueberry

Reptar is the size of a blueberry this week, and we are a lot more confident that everything will be fine. I went in on Tuesday for a follow up appointment from my ER visit, and the ultrasound tech saw the heartbeat!

Because of a whole slew of reasons, I will be changing doctors. I really don't like how negative and uncaring my OB is, so off to another practice we go! Hopefully the new one will allow me to look at the ultrasound and I will be able to se the heartbeat, or even the entire baby, myself.

My morning sickness has kicked in, and I am feeling a good amount of round ligament pains. My pants no longer fit; I am stuck with yoga pants until I give in a get a few pairs of maternity pants. I'm feeling good even though physically I'm not going that well.
I would rather have symptoms than not, so yay for my ability to eat anything but dairy products!

On the good news front, we are super excited for our friends, Trey and Lauren, who will be tying the knot! We love you both!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Scariest 5 Hours of My Life

Yesterday, around 3.30, I started bleeding. B came home immediately and took me to the ER, where I had a pelvic exam, an external and an internal ultrasound. Thankfully, Reptar is still there, hanging out in his yoke sack. I had a cyst which ruptured, which probably caused the bleeding and the hematoma that they found.

I thought for sure that this was the end, and I was absolutely devastated. Thankfully, we still have an 80% chance that this will be a healthy, viable pregnancy. The 20% chance that something will go wrong is simply because I have had bleeding at all.

So here is to hoping that I am in that 80%. This pregnancy really seems like it is meant to be; I get to be pregnant in the fall and winter, February's birthstone is amethyst, and Reptar will be almost a year old for all of the big holidays in 2011.

So please pray (if you do) that Reptar snuggles in and sticks. We both really want this baby, and we want him to grow up and lead a wonderful, fulfilled life. So as B announced yesterday, Reptar is grounded until further notice.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

6 weeks down

Reptar is the size of a sweet pea now, and is making me SUPER anxious. My hormones are driving B crazy, and my morning sickness is starting up. Unfortunately, it is acting more like my Crohn's issues than traditional morning sickness. I don't know whether to hope that it continues like this or that I graduate to a more traditional level of discomfort.

I called the doctor's office yesterday to get a better idea of what to expect at our first appointment, which is July 16th. We will have a bit of a busy hour doing different tests and the like. We won't get to have an ultrasound, which disappoints me. I honestly don't like that I'm not going to be able to see the doctor for such a long time, but I haven't decided if that is because I feel like I need to be monitored more closely, or if I am just used to doctors wanting to see me more than not.

Right now I am working on being more positive. Once I get to the doctor I will feel a lot better, but I am trying to enjoy every little thing about this pregnancy. I think I'm going to start by forcing B to treat me to ice cream this evening!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I've hit 5 weeks!

It is absolutely amazing how pregnant I already feel. I am exhausted all of the time, I am so sore and crampy, and my sense of smell has become uncomfortably acute. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world!

We have been planning on how to turn our condo into a baby safe, grandparent friendly space. I think our plan will work, but really only time will tell. I think we will actually start to turn those plans into reality once I am done with NS, because until that is done I will be too busy to really get things done the way I want to.

Reptar is the size of an appleseed this week, and I couldn't be more awed. I am absolutely terrified that something is going to happen. I almost can't bring myself to think too much about this amazing life growing inside of me because I am too scared to think how I would feel if I didn't get to meet him. I am trying to stay calm, busy, and positive, but the hormones running through my system are not helping matters at all!

On a positive note, for some reason I am pretty sure that Reptar is a boy. Brian would be thrilled!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

We got our BFP!!!

Also known as a "Big Fat Positive"!

On Sunday, I got super anxious for no reason. Everything was setting me chart, breakfast, facebook. It was completely ridiculous. I decided to give myself a "reality check" by taking a pregnancy test. I was sure that it would be negative...but there was a VERY faint line. I immediately ran to our bedroom to get B's opinion of the line. He assured me it was there and that I was not crazy, but he didn't seem very excited. I was, of course, not very happy with him, but I gave him his "You're Going To Be A Daddy" present.

I immediately called my parents and told them our wonderful news. I spent the rest of the afternoon pulling the test back out of the trash, panicking about anything that crossed my mind and calling friends and family. Zadie was so happy he almost toasted us in the car!

By the next day, B was STILL not excited. I was starting to doubt the line that I saw. I took another test, and the exact same faint line showed up. I showed that one to B as well, and he told me not to get my hopes up. I was devastated. I asked him if he actually saw either line and he told me that he thought that I was imagining them.

For the rest of the day I questioned whether or not I had actually seen anything. I was torn between knowing I was pregnant and thinking that I had been fooled by evaporation lines. Finally I went to Walgreens and bought a package of digital tests. I came home with the box hidden in my purse, ran to the bathroom, and took the test. It took the entire five minutes for the results...but finally the word "Pregnant" showed up.

I screamed for B to come look at the test, and he was so happy that it took him almost 10 minutes to yell at me for "wasting" money.

B is now excited, terrified, and overwhelmed...which is exactly how I am feeling! We have started to plan a little bit, but we have honestly just been focusing on how happy we are that Reptar stuck!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Cycle 1 is here!

We went to the doctor yesterday, and we officially started our first cycle of trying to conceive! Brian recorded my basal body temperature (BBT) for me this morning, which was a little weird. I was so anxious that I kept waking up. I'm pretty sure that my temp was off because of it, but I know that they will be wonky for the first few days so I am okay with the "weird" temp. Other than that, we are off to a good start!

The doctor was really positive, and was on board with the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) plan we have. She did seem to think we should utilize ovulation predictor kits (OPK) more than we were planning, but I feel confident that we will be fine until at least cycle 6. That being said, we would use them beforehand if my cycles seem to be wonky.

Brian is hoping that we get pregnant right away so that we can get the 2010 tax credit, and he has been teasing Duke about how we are "trying to replace" him. Duke has been really weird since I got home, but that is probably because he knows I am in a bit more pain than normal. I have been cuddling with him as much as he will let me, so hopefully he'll cheer up soon!

Monday, February 8, 2010


As most of you know, I quit my job in November (even if my last day wasn't until Jan. 22). B and I decided that instead of me getting another job right away, I would take some time to get my health back on track. After thinking about it for a while, we talked about how I only wanted to take time off when we had children. We came to the decision that I would try to get healthy for a month or two, and then we would try to conceive (TTC). We are both worried about how my digestive issues will affect our ability to get pregnant, so we wanted to give ourselves every possible chance to get it right.

Things are off to a really good start. My stomach has been more calm lately, and so have I. I am able to keep the house in great condition, which was a pain this fall with it being on the market. I am able to make most of our meals from scratch, which B and my stomach love. I am about to start a major Spring cleaning project next week, and even Duke seems to be much happier with the Mommy Dog being home.

I am not happy about the way all of this had to come about, but the results are everything that I had no clue that I needed. I am healthier when I am happy, and I have always wanted a big family. So on March 16, CD1 begins for us. Wish us luck!