Bryce Addison Vandiver

Bryce was born last night at 9.49 pm. We had to say goodbye before we ever said hello.

I had a small amount of bleeding on Thursday night, so we called the doctor and he moved out anatomy scan up a week. During the scan I noticed that our little guy wasn't moving, but I thought he was just sleeping. I asked the tech where the heart was because I could normally see the heartbeat, and she told me that there wasn't one.

B and I were in shock, but we still had hope. Then Dr. Carlson's nurse came in, and told us that our baby was gone. After reviewing the scans, he told me the baby stopped growing after about 16 weeks. At first I thought that meant that he had died three weeks ago, but then I remembered him moving and hearing his heartbeat about a week to a week and a half ago. I thought that my uterus had gone through another growth spurt, and that it was just a little hard to feel him for a bit.

The doctor gave me three options. I could wait until I went into labor naturally, be induced, or have a late-term abortion. My OB doesn't perform late-term abortions, and I couldn't bare the thought of that happening to my baby. I also didn't want to wait until I went into labor, since we would have no idea when it would happen, and there was the chance of infection. I decided to be induced, and we were taken to Labor and Delivery.

I was induced at about 9.45 am, and went into labor. I tried to handle the pain with Morphine, but I ended up getting an epidural. Bryce was born twelve hours later, and it took another hour for me to deliver his placenta. I was allowed to hold him, and I spoke to him, apologized to him for failing him, and I told him how much everyone loves him. He was so tiny, but I could tell that he had B's mouth and chin, and also his hands. The nurse cleaned him up and took pictures for us. She used B's wedding ring, and a tiny stuffed Eeyore that I brought to the appointment on a whim. We will get the pictures at one of our next appointments with Dr. Carlson. We were given a memory box with his foot and hand prints, as well as the blanket that he was swaddled in after he was born.

We will bury him sometime this week. My mom is here (thank G-d), and will help us make the best decisions for the burial. We are absolutely devastated that this is the end of Bryce's story with us here on Earth. He will always be loved, and will never be forgotten.